Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Porn review: Amos and Candy

Is anyone else bored with modern porn? It feels like it’s the same old thing every time: A bleached blonde with fake boobs and too much makeup making unrealistic sounds of “pleasure” while having sex in positions that can’t possibly feel good. And I suppose there’s a dude there, but he’s pretty much disposable, because everyone knows it’s the girls that sell. Don’t you long for the golden days of porn, when real people had realistic sex and sometimes even real orgasms? It may not have been as polished, but real sex isn’t polished. It’s awkward and doesn’t always look good, but DAMN it feels good. And that’s fucking HOT.

With this bias toward older porn in mind, I submit to you my review of Amos and Candy. Fun backstory: I found this disc as I was unpacking my new house. It was in an unopened SugarDVD envelope. I hadn’t subscribed to this service for years. I figured by now I’d already paid for this “lost” disc, so it was as good as mine. I might as well watch it. I read the description to see what was in store for me:

Sugar and spice mixes the races in a sweet feast of interracial delights!

The movie begins with Ebony Ayes, a big-busted star of black and interracial porn from the late 80s, dancing erotically behind a stream of credits. We then move on to an opening scene that looks like something out of Married...With Children. A man working on a car in a garage, singing his own “hilarious” version of (Sitting on) The Dock Of the Bay. Why is porn humor so bad? There must be some funny perverts out there that can write a decent script, right? The mechanic is Billy Dee, a light-skinned black performer who apparently had a lot of work in the 80s and 90s due to his ability to play black, white, and sometimes even Hispanic roles. It wasn’t until a sleek blonde enters the “shop” and he makes such a big deal about the “sexy white girl” that I realized he wasn’t white. There’s a bit of cheesy banter about what she’ll do for him if he stops what he’s doing to fix her car stereo right away, paired with some typically bad porn acting. Then, the leggy blonde leaves to get something and Billy Dee turns to the camera to tell us how much he loves fucking white women, delivering a line that would never make it through today’s PC filters, but made me laugh out loud: "Don't get me wrong, black women are fine, but sometimes those kinky pubic hairs just rub the shit out of your dick." He then goes on to reminisce about a story his friend told him about fucking a white girl. “Well, don’t take my word for it, why don’t you just watch…”

Oh, I get it. This cheesy 80s garage scene is just a wrapper for a bunch of interracial scenes from other movies. That’s certainly a clever way to repackage some old material. And old, it was. The VHS-quality opening scene faded away and next we see what appears to be a quality, 70s-era scene between two pretty, natural-breasted brunettes and a black man. Unfortunately, I can’t find any detailed listings of the cast for the vintage scenes in this movie, so I couldn’t tell you who they were. Regardless, the scene had everything I love about the golden age of porn: Real looking people and real looking sex. One thing that stood out for me in this first scene was the way the girls kept eating the man’s ass. Ass eating isn’t uncommon in today’s porn, but usually it’s the man doing it to the woman, and not the other way around. During one particularly hot moment, one girl sucked his cock while the other ate his ass. I can only imagine how amazing that must have felt.

After this scene we go back to the wrapper and see more terrible banter before we move on to another vintage clip that begins with a pretty, natural blonde laying naked except for an amazing pair of shoes (sorry to get all girly on you, but these things were fucking beautiful) on a shag rug next to a handsome black man playing the bongos. It isn’t long before they are both naked, having more hot, natural-looking sex. One thing I noticed about this scene, and all of the following vintage scenes, was that the sound didn’t quite match up with the scene. Although these weren’t the incredibly fake, exaggerated moans we hear in today’s porn, they didn’t quite sync up with the scene. Occasionally we’d hear the girl moan while her mouth was closed. Or the guy would say something and not move his lips. It wasn’t terribly distracting, though, because at least the moans sounded believable.

More cheesy banter from the scene in the garage and we move on to another vintage scene between two women (one black, one white) and a white guy. And, sorry to get girlie on you once again, but I couldn’t help but admire the black woman’s sleek and classy garter belt. There’s a great part at the end of the scene when the guy comes on a girl’s face and, judging by the way she jumps when it hits her, I think it may have gotten a little closer to her eye than she expected. Don’t laugh, that shit burns! Okay, you can laugh a little. I always do when it happens to me.

Then we go back to the wrapper, a white, douchey friend of Billy Dee’s recounts his only experience with a black woman. Unfortunately, the scene that follows is painfully 80s. It features Ebony Ayes doing a photo shoot for Douchey White Guy. Her breasts are frighteningly large. Almost as frightening as her claw-like nails. She dances around and strips while we hear a badly synthesized rip-off of the Pointer Sisters song Neutron Dance. As the scene goes on, Ebony begins to masturbate with a vibrator and we see the photographer’s hand come into the shot, reaching toward her breasts. She angrily pushes him back and tells him, “this is just a video, don’t get weird.” More maturbating, and more attempts by the photographer to join in lead to a fight that goes something like:

Ebony: "Fuck this, I'm getting tired of this. I can't fight you off and do this video too.”
Douchey White Guy: “Okay, I've had it, just leave.”
Ebony: “fine, fuck you.”

Well! That was certainly an unexpected ending! Way to surprise me, cheesy 80s porn!

Thankfully, the next scene is another vintage 70s scene between two women, one of which is Desiree West, one of first the African American porn stars. West is gorgeous, and the scene is very realistic and very hot. I suspect I’ll be hunting down more of her movies for future reviews.

Finally, we reach the finale. Our wise-cracking mechanic gets his turn when a blonde with a very 80s perm and sparkly tube top comes in to get her car worked on, but ends up getting her pussy worked on instead (I should be writing the descriptions for these movies, I’m a natural). The blonde is absolutely adorable and a quick web search turns up the name Dana Lynn. As my roommate so eloquently put it, “she’s hot if you subtract the 80s.” Definitely another one I’d like to see more of. The scene itself was full of porn cliches and wasn’t very memorable, but Lynn’s natural C-cups were things of beauty. Despite the cheesiness of the scene, there was one moment in the scene where Billy Dee won me over a bit with his realism and humor. He and Dana are going at it when his dick falls out of her pussy - as sometimes happens during real sex. Not only did they leave it in the scene, but Billy Dee draws attention to it with a “Whoops!” and then, “would you please direct me back to the passage?”

Conclusion: Although the sex wasn’t particularly noteworthy, the vintage 70s scenes were beautiful and sexy. I’d definitely watch this with a lover, as long as I could skip past the cheesy 80s cliches.